I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
