i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
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Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
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this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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