based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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