don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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