So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
