Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
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I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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