I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
