Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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