Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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