I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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