When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
