if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
