I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
