I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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