Three words: puerto rican gang bang
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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