I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
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JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
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Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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