I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
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I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
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Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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