the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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