It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
