So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
