i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
