Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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