Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
