Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
