dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
