Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
