I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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