I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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