I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I want a musical about memes.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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