i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
