If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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