Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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