life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
