remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
