Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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