I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Randomize
