Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
