i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
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This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
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I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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