You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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