Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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