is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
