she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
