I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
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its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
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Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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