I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
