the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
