So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
