The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
