I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
