All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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