so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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