My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
