Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
