He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
