Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
