Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
