I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
The beer is more important than you right now.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
