I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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