so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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