dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
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And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
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Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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