In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
